Spiders, Locked Doors and Plan Z
by Titanium Flower
Summary: A loud scream emanated from upstairs, followed, predictably, by the yell "Spider!" Chaos ensues.


A loud scream emanated from upstairs, followed, predictably, by the yell "Spider!".

Kyoya gave a long suffering sigh and closed his laptop, listening to the distinct, _thud-thud-crash_ as Tamaki tumbled down the stairs.

As expected, the blond swept into the room with all the furious energy of a tornado, almost knocking over the tea table in his haste. What Kyoya did not anticipate was the fact that his friend actually was on the verge of tears. And these were not his typical crocodile tears. They were one ones of genuine fear. Kyoya, being the kind-hearted soul he was, allowed him a moment to catch his breath, wide eyed and doubled over, lest he dropped dead right there and then. Body disposal was rather time consuming and not something he wanted to waste his afternoon on.

"Kyoya," The former Host Club King whined, in that damned petulant tone of his. "There's a massive spider. Can you kill it? Please?"

Kyoya struggled not to roll his eyes, drained the last of his coffee- for he would surely need the energy to survive whatever fresh Hell awaited him- and stood. "Fine. But I swear to God, Tamaki, if this 'massive' spider turns out to be the size of my thumbnail _again,_ I will kill you."

He shook his head frantically, so fast that Kyoya wondered how he didn't induce brain damage. "No, no, I promise, it's really big. Like absolutely huge, trust me." And he spread out his arms, taking a minute or so to mentally debate with himself whether this arachnid was the size of the entire house, or a small horse.

This time he really did roll his eyes. Tamaki trailed behind him as he headed for the room. Kyoya, blissfully unaware of the danger, walked right in, ignoring the blond's sharp squeal, and began scanning the walls.

"I don't see it."

Narrowed grey eyes fell upon his best friend, who was cowering in the doorway. After a moment of hesitation, he extended a trembling finger to the far corner of the room. "It's over there."

Kyoya, fully expecting to see some titchy waste of time, cast a withering glance over. What he was met with was a long-legged hairy abomination. Two things very quickly became apparent to him. A- That was definitely one fatass spider. And B- Hell would freeze over before Kyoya went within six foot of that literal spawn of Satan.

With as much composure as he could muster, Kyoya backtracked, stiffly moving each foot backwards until he had safely removed himself from the room, closing and locking the door for good measure.

Tamaki stared at him pensively. "Well?"

Kyoya smiled serenely back. "Where are the matches?"

"Kyoya!"

"It's too late. The whole house has to go."

* * *

Take two.

Tamaki and Kyoya were both huddled in the doorway, watching the spider with apprehension.

"Has it moved at all since you first saw it?"

The bespectacled boy shifted to the left, so Tamaki could get a better view. Even with the abundance of space available, Tamaki still draped himself across his best friend. At any other time, Kyoya would've shaken him off. For now, he didn't. After all, he could use the boy as a last minute shield should the spider suddenly decided to come and fuck with them.

"I don't think so. Maybe it's dead?"

"Great. So it crawled into our house to die."

The blond frowned intensely. "What I want to know it how we didn't notice it getting in."

"Funnily enough," Kyoya shot back, whippet sharp. "I'm more concerned with how we're supposed to get it _out_."

He received an agreeing mumble, and the two lapsed into thoughtful silence. Finally, Tamaki narrowed his eyes. "Throw something at it."

"Does it look like I have a deathwish?"

"Debatable."

Kyoya hit him. "I take it you're volunteering?"

And when he tried to protest, Kyoya's sharpened his gaze into a glare. Tamaki gulped. "I guess." He took a steadying breath. "Give me that mug."

"You're not throwing the mug."

"Don't be stupid, it's just a dumb mug."

"A mug that will _break_ if you throw it. Unless you're willing to clear up the mess, that is."

"Fine. Get something else for me to throw, then."

Kyoya returned with a plastic pen, one of the cheap ones Haruhi had left behind on one of her many study visits. Tamaki's palms were sweaty. He took careful aim, one eye closed, slammed his arm forward and… didn't release the pen. It dropped uselessly back down at his side.

"You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Oh, give it here, you big baby." With an aggravated sigh, Kyoya snatched it from his hand and shouldered him out of the way. Before he, too, could chicken out, Kyoya lobbed the pen in the general direction of the spider.

It collided with the wall a good two feet away from the creature, but sent it jumping into motion. Unfortunately for the boys, it was barrelling straight for them.

Both boys abandoned every shred of pride they had left, screamed and hurled themselves back. "Close the door, close the door, CLOSE THE DOOR!" The third panicked shout shocked Tamaki into reality, and he kicked it shut so hard it left a dent.

Immediately Kyoya was blocking the door frame with blankets- "No, that's my favourite!" "Suck it up!"- and any stray clothes left lying around the house. Tamaki came jogging back with a chair under one arm, which he promptly jammed under the door handle.

"What are you doing?" Kyoya all but yelled.

"Barricading!"

"Oh, yes because it's suddenly going to grow OPPOSABLE THUMBS AND OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR."

"WHO SAYS IT CAN'T?"

"COMMON SENSE!"

* * *

"Okay, new plan." Kyoya glared up at Tamaki. He was leaning forward on the chair, very serious. Kyoya himself had remained in the same position he'd fallen to when he slumped down the wall some minutes prior. "We don't get it out-"

"- Helpful- "

"- Be quiet, I haven't finished." Tamaki, purely to annoy him, allowed a pause before he continued. "We leave the devil there and let nature run its course."

"You want us to lock it in there until it starves to death."

"In Layman's terms, yes."

Kyoya pinched the bridge of his nose. "That could take days."

"If you want to get it by hand, be my guest."

It was alarming how quickly he could change his tune. "Well, I suppose that could work." He adjusted his glasses. "I'm going to my room."

Tamaki stared at him as he walked down the entire length of the corridor. Because of this, he was able to witness the exact moment where crushing realisation hit the boy, eyes following as Kyoya wheeled around and marched back. "That fucker's in _my_ room!"

"Well observed."

"Where am I supposed to sleep!?"

"In my room. We can share the bed, it's big enough."

"I would rather sleep with the goddamn spider, to be perfectly honest."

"What! Why? You're fine with sharing a bed with Haruhi!"

"In case you haven't noticed, she is considerably smaller than you, AND she doesn't hog the covers, unlike a certain _someone_!"

"I'm not _that_ bad!"

"Tamaki, I swear to god you will be sleeping on the couch at this rate."

* * *

"...Maybe we should throw something else."

"I'll throw you in a minute."

* * *

A considerable amount of time later still found them outside the room, as if keeping careful watch of a prisoner.

"What if it's pregnant?" The topic of the question itself is unexpected, but not the act of asking it. Tamaki had been posing multiple what-if scenarios that got progressively worse as time dragged on. "All these little spiders erupting from the egg-"

"Tamaki, I am trying not to think of the worst but you're really not making it any easier."

* * *

"Do you think it's dead yet?"

"It has literally been an hour, Tamaki."

"I know. But do you think it's dead?"

"You're welcome to check."

Tamaki stared at the door so intensely, it was like he was trying to bore a hole through it. Eventually, he got up and prised the chair away. He paused and glanced back at his friend. "You'll take care of my funeral, won't you? And tell everyone I died a heroic death?"

"Confronting a spider is hardly heroic." Tamaki flashed him his perfectly crafted puppy dog eyes. Kyoya sighed. "Yes, fine, whatever."

Tamaki eased the door open, cautiously poking his head around. Kyoya waited with bated breath. A full minute passed, before Tamaki retreated, looking far paler than before. "I don't see it."

"What do you mean you don't see it?"

"Exactly what it sounds like! I can't see it!"

"Move, let me check."

They changed positions. Kyoya, not inclined to get anywhere close to being inside the room, hovered around the doorway, ready to run if need be. From what he could see, his room was exactly the same as he left it. Aside from Tamaki's papers and laptop spread across his bed. A neat, tidy room, spider-free.

Shuddering, Kyoya slammed the door closed, making sure to jam the clothes and blankets back into place. He didn't even raise a glare when Tamaki shoved the chair under the handle once more. Instead, he raised his phone to his ear, listening to the familiar dialing tone.

"Plan Z." Kyoya explained, at his questioning expression.

"Who are you calling?"

Kyoya ignored him, for his call was accepted. "Hello, Mori-senpai. How quickly can you get to our house?"

* * *

Mori arrived with Honey in tow, about thirty minutes later. Which was thirty five minutes too late, in Kyoya's opinion. Tamaki threw open the door and ushered them up the stairs, to where Kyoya was keeping diligent watch over the accursed door.

Honey took in their makeshift barricade with a little frown. "What's wrong, Kyo-chan?"

"There's a massive spider in Kyoya's room." Tamaki jumped in, before Kyoya could even open his mouth.

"I won't be able to catch it." Kyoya added, to save face. "It's too fast." He didn't mention that he'd rather drink cyanide before so much as touching the thing.

Mori nodded, and entered the room with nothing but a bowl, a piece of paper and a tupperware box. Honey joined Tamaki in peeking out of the bathroom door. Kyoya had a little more dignity, and leaned against the corridor wall, a good distance from his room.

A long silence prevailed, until Mori emerged, the box sealed, spider inside. It looked pissed. If a spider could look pissed, that is.

Honey drew back, disgusted. "It is pretty big."

"Huntsman spider." Mori explained, in his monotone. "I'll put it outside."

"Thank you, Mori-senpai. You're a lifesaver. But um, could you release it as far away from our house as you can?"

Kyoya secretly agreed with the blond.

They parted, and the both of them instantly scoured their entire house for any more nasty surprises.

Next time, he vowed internally, Tamaki was getting the spider.

* * *

 **A/N: Set before Trials and Tribulations. I imagine Kyoya and Tamaki to be around 19 or 20, sharing a house while attending University, and this is just one of the many hijinks that occur.**

 **Feedback is much appreciated~**


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